This month I have been consistently shooting and my eyes have stared at photos in photoshop longer than they see the insides of my eyelid but it has been such a creative rush to shoot what I want to shoot and tell a story through my images. Latest shoot with Megan Mockensturn, a lovely girl with beautiful freckles and the perfect curls.

Spent the week shooting beautiful people with long limbs and sun kissed cheeks, productive and artistically happy.

The strangest things inspire me, it can be a sound or a smell- nothing and something all at the same time.

Someone asked me recently would I consider going to school for my photography or would I continue my trial and error ways, I may take a class here or there for studio setups and lighting as I have no real background in that but I am no longer tricked into believing a piece of paper legitimizes my intelligence. I went to college and finished one degree program that is pretty much useless now and began another before I found the courage to stop the cycle of needing verification. I know what I know and I know the best way to show it is not by waving a piece of paper but by simply doing it. Degrees are useful to people of the other world, I do not clock in nor do I ever clock out. My desk is riddled with purple roses and books on warhol, basquiat and sarah moon..those are my teachers and the world is my test. Doctors, lawyers, teachers etc. require a certificate..artist require a special eye and a soul and whichever tool they need to color the world as they see it.

Thursday I witnessed my first tsunami and it was horrible beyond words- of course this all took place in my mind but nonetheless I witnessed one. I am an artist and I go through bouts of am I doing it right?- am I wasting my time?- Should I build a bomb shelter and hide from the cruel, cold world and then I shoot a perfect picture and for a few hours I am happy. I don't think I have been happy all day, continuously, in years. I always look for things to improve, something I should read to get a better understanding. I'll wake up at 3am to take a quick walk, not the safest but it clears this jungle of a mind of mine.

I prayed on Thursday, I meditated and read not only bible scriptures but some buddhist quotes. I asked for a sign that this art thing is for me and its mine to claim. I woke up Friday morning with 4 agency models requesting shoots- by saturday night I had 3 bands request shoots and Sunday night I received another two agency models requesting shoots- Im actually nervous/scared but excited at the same time. I asked and I received, I do not believe God would have placed these opportunities before me if I were not ready for the challenge. February 1st I will begin to push my portfolio to agencies around the world.

Tonight I drove around with my best friend, looking for inspiration and recluse locations amid colourful leaves that tell you that is autumn and shimmering water with logs floating about. Financially spent but soul rich from hours of laughter and mindless fun. I feel as if I am on the brink of something big but I must prove to myself that I'm worthy of the job. Preparation mixed with opportunity is success. I have to be up in a few hours for a shoot with a girl with freckles and big curls, Im so excited that sleep is not coming easily.

"waste not want not"..I shall not waste my talent.

When I first began photography I would stare at images that I admired for hours, feeling inspired I would grab my camera and I was so desperate to shoot I would photograph a fence or a leaf with hopes that my image would look like a masterpiece. That was three years ago and needless to say, I am just now reaching the point of liking my images. Im learning how to make the session as close as I possibly can to the image I have fixated in my brain, learning how to think then shoot. 

So I went to seattle this august for almost 3 weeks (was supposed to shoot a model while in tacoma and portland but it fell through). Prior to the 7 hour flight, the hectic connecting flights I had a shoot with an old friend from elementary school named India. India was always tall and lean, beautiful brown skin and had the biggest smile so when I received an email from her asking to shoot I jumped for joy and booked her. We shot the day before I flew out (worst thing to do), I was in a bad mental space (i dropped my camera...almost in a lake!) and had no focus nor goal for the shoot so when I went to edit the images I was disappointed. I just took a look at her session again and although I love the new editing, I just offered her a free reshoot. I like the photos but I don't LOVE them which tells me I didn't do my best.

When I first started photography someone told me "You are forever an amateur, aspiring. Your professionalism is how you carry yourself and represent your brand but if you are consistently okay with your work you are not a good photographer. You are simply taking a picture not capturing a photo."

I suppose my dissatisfaction is a sign I am growing.

                                      

Life is so ironic. We embrace the most harmful and run away from things that add to our life or enhance our experience. This summer I was given the opportunity to meet someone very special to me, a young boy not far from my home who was all of 8 years old but possessed the wisdom and survival skills of someone three times his age. The photo above was taken on the fourth of July, I caught him and his siblings playing amongst glass, dodging cars and playing with lighters. Not one responsible parent to be found as I sat outside their home for two hours talking and laughing while photographing these three boys. The eldest seemed to have the most pure heart but had a rough exterior. He was the sole protector of his younger siblings but seemed to have found refuge in speaking with an adult who took an interest in him.

I watched as they played and listened to him tell me why he could no longer get sick or injured as his family ran out of medicare and insurance so if he was hurt his mother told him he would not be able to see a doctor. I listened to a childhood lost and a developed sense of hopelessness. His eyes were as big as the moon on a clear night but they were aged and searched about for someone to protect him as he were his siblings. During our conversation his youngest brother lit a small firecracker and he transformed from warrior to a scared child. I was just putting my camera back to my face as he was shuddering with fear of the sound while his brothers laughed.

The moment I met these children I knew I had to photograph them before they moved or were taken from the mother. One month after I took their pictures they were evicted and I havent seen nor heard from them since. I thank them for the opportunity to capture a memory of them.